“We must never stop dreaming. Dreams provide nourishment for the soul, just as a meal does for the body.” ~ The Pilgrimage
Writing To Lose Weight (1)
By C. Clark
Note: Let me first say, please excuse my grammar. I do a lot of journal writing and I don’t worry about punctuation and such. I will work on my grammar as I go along but for now I didn’t want that to deter me from starting. Yes, there is Grammarly but I want to write in my voice/tone.
Introduction
I have come to think of myself as a ‘been-there-done-that’ type of person… and with that each time I have lost weight, I did it differently. So here I am not knowing what else to do… to lose this weight and keep it off. To lose this perimenopause/menopause weight. That is where writing comes into play. Writing has always helped me, it has allowed me to get out of my head and see (and change things around) what I’m trying to accomplish, learn, and/or release. Now I used to have a food journal, where I listed everything I ate each day – I don’t want to do that anymore (I have tried).
I picked up an interesting looking book a couple of months ago, “Bite By Bite” by Aimee Nezhukumatathil. It has a bunch of delicious fruits & veggies on the cover. I started reading and loved it. Although I haven’t finished reading, it’s a compilation of her writings about her relations to certain fruits and vegetables. Ever since I started reading… I’ve been excited by the thought of writing my own book.
Writing To Lose Weight
My History
Until recently I didn’t have to worry about my weight or my health, or so I thought. Being overweight is when someone is unhealthy… right? My Mom was thin, so that was normal… right? My grandparents were forever on my brother for being overweight, that was unhealthy… right? The messages I’ve got during my youth have become so automatic that it goes underneath my radar, my triggers are not clear to me. I don’t want to spend too much time on the ‘looking back’ path but if I don’t know my triggers it will be hard to change and move forward.
Recently looking at old photos, I know I need to change my relationship to food, my body and my definition of healthy & unhealthy. Old photos of my brother and I wonder where the overweight harassment came from. Was super thin considered healthy back in the day and so his average size stood out? My brother was nowhere near overweight. He was tall and maybe preferred to stay indoors, but that was it.
Old photos of me, I wondered how I could have considered that healthy. I was thin… period… and sometimes unhealthy thin. One of those ‘unhealthy thin’ times was during a stressful period in college. My grades were in the toilet because I was spending my time being a people pleaser, driving my friends everywhere (I was the only one with a car). When I finally started saying No, I lost friends and felt even more stressed. One day, putting on my belt and it being two notches loose, I had to sit there and try to think when was the last time I ate anything. I hadn’t eaten anything for three days, or so. I wanted to cry, as I was dismayed that I had forgotten to eat for so long and had to force myself to eat something even though I still wasn’t hungry.
My Present
I woke up this morning to another sinus headache. I’m tired of this sinus issue. I feel like taking care of myself these days takes so much more effort. Is this just part of post-menopause? So frustrating! During my usual session of trying to figure out what I ate (or didn’t eat) to cause this headache, it occurred to me that my relationship to food, and my body, should be the focus of my writings. My goal will be to focus on how to improve and enjoy my relationship to food and my body. At the same time, I know, it’s important to look at my past to note any triggers that could be holding me back.
During perimenopause I became allergic to soy and dairy. Since everything seems to have one or both of them, it makes it hard to figure out what to eat, and I’m not a cook (I don’t enjoy it). I’m sure I’m missing out on some nutrients with this allergy and supplements are helpful but not a great substitute (at least for me).
Allergies are just one aspect that allows me to know that I can NOT do as I did when I was younger. I love pasta, looking at the old photos where I’m thin, it was ok that I ate pasta all the time. Today, with this extra perimenopause & menopause weight, eating pasta all the time is not a good idea. Now there are some things that will be good to go back to, like running (& biking) around all the time and loving burpees (lol)… getting back to that would be a good thing.
In Conclusion
Today, I am wondering if I subconsciously was doing things to make sure I wasn’t overweight, like others wrongly thought of my brother? Was I subconsciously doing things so I wouldn’t have people talk about my weight, like they did my brother? Could that be why, when someone mentions how nice I look because I lost some weight, it was triggering and I proceeded to grab some brownies or chocolate candy?
My stressful moments went from forgetting to eat… to eating all the brownies, donuts and chocolate candy. All this time was I functionally depressed? Was this change in eating habits due to going through perimenopause?
I hate fruit and veggies, everyone does… right? But the thing is I love fruits and veggies. I love strawberries, pineapples, cucumbers, sauteed spinach, artichokes,… I could go on. So why have I believed all these years that I hated something I actually love, and how do I unlearn that dislike?
I’ve spent years looking at the negative, complaining, blaming others and feeling stuck. I am ready to move forward, to focus on the positive more often. I believe that is why I like Nezhukumatathil’s book so much. I intend for my writings to focus on the positive, even if I need to start by releasing the negative, with a goal of moving forward to my good health. Writing my way to losing weight may be unorthodox, but it’s worth a try and if nothing else it is something different.